The Rollercoaster of Love, and Choosing to Ride it.
A year and a half ago, I fell in love like never before. To me, every love feels a bit different and usually stronger than the last, but this one was different. It caught me completely off guard, I resisted it, but no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, it persisted.
This love made me feel high throughout the day and kept me up all night. Although I was getting next to no sleep, I had more vibrancy and vitality than I had ever felt in my adult life. My stomach had butterflies that were so strong that I had to go for acupuncture to calm it. She did an addiction treatment on me.
And how could I not feel addicted? The connection was absolute, without a doubt, the most addictive thing I’ve ever felt. I was in a deep addiction of another type before meeting him and the love that broke me free, replaced it. I was in a work-addicted routine, in a drab day-to-day lifestyle, eating at precisely 7am, 2pm and 7pm, schedule everything to the minute. The voice inside my head wanted out, but nothing could get me to shift and shake that imprisoning routine.
Then one day, this guy I knew as kind of a player, texted me out of the blue to go for coffee. I responded “wrong person?” to which he said, no. Then I said, “oh ok, mass text then lol” and he laughed and said no, he wanted to meet up with me to talk about something.
I knew he was going to pitch me something work related or crypto related, but was in a position in my life where I was really seeking change, almost on the verge of desperation, but apparently not enough to change my schedule. I agreed to meet him for coffee and hear him out.
That coffee meeting changed the course of my life as I knew it, forever. I wouldn’t have known that until this moment, reflecting back, seeing all the shifts that have occurred since then. Immediately after that coffee meeting, my life turned into a whirlwind of change. All the rules that I had about timing, sleeping, eating, drinking? All those rules were broken within a matter of weeks, and I have our connection to thank for that.
The connection is difficult to describe with words but I can still remember how it felt. The gentle tingling in and around my head when our lips would touch and the throbbing in my pelvic floor make my knees feel weak. My heart became as expansive as the light that the sun shines on Earth and our into the universe, encompassing his light that he was shining back to me.
It was mutual. It was passion at its most precise. I felt beyond me. We melted. We became a river. We became the light. The warmth.
This didn’t let up at all and still hasn’t, but things have shifted. We have been through some massive obstacles this past year, not just relating to the pandemic. Lies, deceit, health challenges, moves, lost souls, new businesses…tears have been shed, voices have been raised, nights have gone by sleepless. I feel as though I am constantly having to forgive and forget, with not enough time to process and recoup my sanity.
There have been many times where I’ve asked myself, was that just a honeymoon phase? And then our phones go away, our eyes connect, our lips connect and he slides his hand up my shirt to the back of my heart and I am reminded.
No. This is him. There he is.
The reality is, just as every love connection is different, so are all the other pieces of that puzzle. The person, the character, attached to that love — is different. I have watched many relationships end because of this pandemic causing partnerships to really face their challenges.
And holy sh*t, we are not an exception to that. This past year has been the most challenging year in a relationship, in my life (aside from the relationship I have with my mother, of course). But, this is part of the journey, and as much as I want to run away, I’m inviting it, because something keeps telling me that with every challenge that arises and is worked through, comes a level up on this video game called life.